I have a disease. Dis-ease, to the fullest extent. That dis-ease is mental.
From poetry to politics, sports to sneakers, writing has always been the cure for that disease for as long as I can remember. What’s incredibly frustrating about it, is every once in a great while, I step up onto my soapbox (aka my keyboard) and cannot even stutter a tiny amount words that I can be proud of. Thankfully it doesn’t haven’t often but I like to think that everything I say is important, even if it’s only important to myself. Tonight is one of those rare instances that I digging through a mental barn of sh!t trying to find that elusive pony, that needle in the haystack, that *insert your analogy here* that finally gives my mind a break.
It’s not happening. So, I decided to write about it.
I have a topic list in my mind and in my BlackBerry that is seemingly endless. I even have pictures for some, which in some cases inspired the idea, and in others, were taken for the idea I had in my mind. Yet, somehow, even when I sit here thinking about the list, about what I want to write about, none of them are right. I seem to have been too busy lately to take the time to write, even a couple of important emails have been delayed. It’s beyond the normal feeling of busy but really, I think it’s busy in my mind. My desire to do something meaningful in life is exhausting. I know I’ve inspired people, thankfully some have even told me so. I want to do so much more, and that in itself is what keeps me from achieving… so much more. Ah, these circles we run in chasing our tails.
What’s great about this not knowing what to write a feeling, however, is that it causes me to search for answers. What’s bad, is that searching for answers requires more mental strength at a point when my mind is already hit its limit. What’s even better, is that even if nobody reads this, I’ve successfully rambled to the point that I no longer want to anymore, so to anyone that uses the internet, thank you.
I’ve had one of my favorite songs on loop for a while now because music, as always, is my comfort, or maybe it’s the cause (there I go thinking again).
I just need a nine-pound hammer.
Or maybe… Til I find someone new…
Success will be the best revenge…
I don’t know what’s better, gettin’ laid or gettin’ paid, I just know when I’m gettin’ one the other’s gettin’ away…
(Isn’t blogging pointlessly wonderful sometimes!?)
If you made it this far I owe you a drink so hit me up on Twitter.